Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Today.
What a day.
It was a day of dreams, not sweet dreams but the stuff nightmares are made of.

I guess i finally spotted this subtle pattern of down in me.

I feel lonely, even when im surrounded by people, even when im surrounded by friends.

I thought harder, then it struck me.

Im playing too many roles. what about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?? how about ME for once.

Im not sane, stop asking me for answers, i cant give em.
Im not smart, stop asking me for advice, i cant give em.
Im not dependable, i cant even depend on myself.
Im not cheerful, i only make myself out to be cheerful.
Im not friendly, i only make myself out to be friendly.
Im not logical, never was, never will be.
Im not a good listening ear, i only seem to be listening.
Im not problem free, in fact im full of troubles, i dont need yours....

Sometimes i dont even know who i am.

Capable debater?
Excellant Spokesperson?
Poet?
Great Actor?
Drama Director?
Professional Gamer?
Team Captain?
Natural Leader?
Counsellor?
Role model Student?
Flamboyant Extrovert?
Successful over achiever?
A BURNOUT

Can someone shake me real hard and scream, "JOEY WAKE UP!"

I feel like a dreamer trying to wake.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Can i not care for just one day?
Then if i dont care, you people wont care, then ill be all alone.

Sheesh, im not making sense.

Ian Lee, if you're out there, come and displace this broken personna of mine, you have always been the stronger, more sensible and more well liked of the 2.

.....

I miss larp. For once, i remember the days i had powers to change things, i had the power to create, and the power to destroy by the sheer power of the pen, and cause entire audiences to feel hapiness, sadness, excitement and anger. Now i lost that, now im a mere sailboat awaiting for fate to direct my sail.

Larp is my escape, i threw it away, now i want it back. But it'll never be the same again. Things will change, people will change, everything changes.

The person that you think to know and trust so fully is never the same person the next time you speak to him; for he is already changed - moulded and different from all the experiences and cirumstances the world has put him through.
-cant remember who said that but wow-

jo

Posted by Jo