Wednesday, September 19, 2007
This post was intended to wish my darling Happy Birthday. But i doubt that she would be reading this. But if she was, or if you are honey, happy birthday to ya! Im about 4 hours and 40 mins late but for what its worth, i shall keep penning this entry.
There is a certain weariness and a great extent of frustration in me. This too is accompanied by the fact i have deadlines to meet, expectations to reach and also obligations to fulfill. It get rather tough keeping up a tough a hardy front, especially when one is Jo. (disclaimer, this blog is all about me me and me, so if you're not one to like listening to large extents of whining and wallowing in self pity, i suggest you take your internet time elsewhere like youtube or something)
Of recent, i have become much more self reflexive and reflective than ever before, a certain unusual heightened awareness that both steals away my oblivious bliss, and highlights to me the various inadequacies of my being. But yeah, i haven't been feeling at the top of my game of recent, i have become a shadow of my former aggressive. Somewhat defanged, somewhat tamed over the years. I am beginning to think that the fight left me since the time of pastel stars. Where is my bite? O yes i recall, i have been smiling it away, being everyone's bitch, being the other whereby people can validate their very own existence to. HA. Thank God Jo's around. Good thing im not Joey. What.... now im incoherently ranting.
Anyways, yes, i am very repressed, i am beginning to agree with that deduction and perspective. And yes, i have manifested these repressed emotions into various various outlets, this blog post namely. But as i pen, a certain uneasy peace flows through me as i look queasily at the world, knowing that all must be right and yet wrong all at the same time.
This one goes out to ya TR, thank you for listening in during my mad season. We all have mad season. Thank you for reminding me that i am mortal and that it is ok to fall. Thank you for letting me realize that tears still run in these arid eyes of mine. Thank you for seeing my pain as it is, and discovering where the smile ends and where my mind begins.
As for the rest of you, this is a mere mad season. Don't take all i rant here as a constant. All is flux, and everything incorrigibly plural. Read between the lines, outside the lines whatever. Somebody pass me some chocolates, hold me and tell me that you love me and you truly do. Im not feeling as love as i would like to, not merely romantically, but perhaps as a person, a person who yours truly, is Jo.
Posted by Jo